January 29, 2002



A battle through the address 'til we're all black and blue: The President's words in black, commentary in blue.

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished citizens and fellow citizens, every year, by law and by custom, we meet here to consider the state of the union.

Hey, what about permanent residents? You know, those people who have all the same rights and protections as citizens (except voting, which is apparently worthless)? Oh, I forgot, you had them all rounded up and jailed.

You and I serve our country in a time of great consequence.

Even the most peaceful of times are times of "great consequence." Or are you that conceited to think that your presidency is that special? As many said of Clinton with his low-percentage election - you don't even have the mandate of the people.

During this session of Congress, we have the duty to reform domestic programs vital to our country, we have the opportunity to save millions of lives abroad from a terrible disease. We will work for a prosperity that is broadly shared, and we will answer every danger and every enemy that threatens the American people.

Very nice - laying out the contents of the entire speech in an advanced summary. We're all very glad to know you passed freshman English composition.

During the last two years we have seen what can be accomplished when we work together.

Yes, indeed. Fear of our neighbors. Longer lines at airports. Violations of privacy. Illegal search and seizure. Its amazing what we can do when we unite in paranoia!

To lift the standards of our public schools, we achieved historic education reform which must now be carried out in every school and in every classroom so that every child in America can read and learn and succeed in life.

Lowering testing standards to show improvement since changes in policy were implemented. Bravo! Bravo! Education measured by the same standards as corporate accounting!

To protect our country, we reorganized our government and created the Department of Homeland Security, which is mobilizing against the threats of a new era.

Indeed. We must stop those insane, third-world lunatics to whom we sold weaponry and provided training and funds.

To bring our economy out of recession, we delivered the largest tax relief in a generation.

The last I remember, unemployment ballooned to its highest in a generation. Alan Greenspan may say we're out of a recession (for now) but there are 2 million people depending on a measly state unemployment check who spell "relief" F-U-C-K-Y-O-U.

To insist on integrity in American business, we passed tough reforms, and we are holding corporate criminals to account.

"To account?" Did Georgie just make a play on words? Haaaah! I wonder if your pal Ken Lay found that as funny as I did.

Tonight I ask the House and the Senate to join me in the next bold steps to serve our fellow citizens.

How do you intend to serve us, Mr. President? Mashed or fried?

Our first goal is clear: We must have an economy that grows fast enough to employ every man and woman who seeks a job.

And fortunately, there are over 1 billion men and women in China to fill those jobs.

...and the best and fairest way to make sure Americans have that money is not to tax it away in the first place.

Is that so? Then as someone who makes diddly-squat annually, will I no longer be giving up over 30% of my income in various taxes? Then, that way, I could be left with more than $27,000 a year? How great would that be! Oh, wait. These cuts only apply to those who make $10 million a year and want to save $3 million in taxes. I guess my money's fine for funding a government I didn't elect, but not good enough for stimulating the economy that I get up every day and go to work for.

Instead of gradually reducing the marriage penalty, we should do it now. Instead of slowly raising the child credit to $1,000, we should send the checks to American families now.

And what about us single bastards who work thankless jobs and try to make rent in a less-than-supportive economy? Are we not the spouses and parents of tomorrow? Why penalize those who don't buy into the concept of a "nukular" family?

Ninety-two million Americans will keep this year an average of almost $1,100 more of their own money.

$1,100 more? Why, that's almost $100 a month! Dee-luxe apartment in the sky, here I come!

We should also strengthen the economy by treating investors equally in our tax laws.

Yes, because oh-so-many of our 270 million people are raking it in on the stock market. What with the Dow and NASDAQ skyrocketing like never before...

The best way to address the deficit and move toward a balanced budget is to encourage economic growth and to show some spending discipline in Washington, D.C.

So let's spend untold billions on a war!!! That's Bush discipline for ya. I see how well it worked for Jenna and Barbara.

I will send you a budget that increases discretionary spending by 4 percent next year, about as much as the average family's income is expected to grow.

If my income only grows 4% next year, I'll shoot myself.

Our second goal is high quality, affordable health for all Americans.

If it's every bit as good as the healthcare I get from my current health plan... then we're in deep shit.

Instead of bureaucrats and trial lawyers and HMOs, we must put doctors and nurses and patients back in charge of American medicine.

Of course not. We'll take corporate medicine interests out of the hospitals and make them Senate majority leaders.

Because of excessive litigation, everybody pays more for health care, and many parts of America are losing fine doctors. No one has ever been healed by a frivolous lawsuit; I urge the Congress to pass medical liability reform.

Sounds good. Why do I get the feeling that such legislation will be packaged with a bill that would prevent any corporation from being sued?

Our third goal is to promote energy independence for our country, while dramatically improving the environment.

Mmm hmm. And this is consistent with your desire to storm into protected wilderness in Alaska and drill it for oil, correct? Oh, and let's keep up the tax breaks on 6,400 lb.+ SUV's, please. That's good for energy independence and the environment.

I have sent you clear skies legislation that mandates a 70 percent cut in air pollution from power plants over the next 15 years.

Because we'll be powering everything with natural gas in a few years, after we take over Iran, and along with it, the 2nd largest reserves of gas in the world. Excellent! I like the way you think, Mr. President!

In this century, the greatest environmental progress will come about not through endless lawsuits or command-and-control regulations, but through technology and innovation.

Did Bill Gates write this speech? Or was it Steve Balmer?

Tonight I'm proposing $1.2 billion in research funding so that America can lead the world in developing clean, hydrogen-powered automobiles.
A simple chemical reaction between hydrogen and oxygen generates energy, which can be used to power a car, producing only water, not exhaust fumes.

Holy shit! The man's discovered cold fusion! Ahh, wait, it's just fuel cell technology - something that already has loads of money going toward it via private funding. Well, I guess another 1.2 big ones toward Dubya's corporate cronies will just register as a blip on the spending meter.

Join me in this important innovation to make our air significantly cleaner, and our country much less dependent on foreign sources of energy.

Translation: "See? The imminent war isn't about oil, silly! We're trying to wean ourselves from oil. Why would we go fight for it?" (nudge, nudge)

Our fourth goal is to apply the compassion of America to the deepest problems of America.

Just how is compassion for drug addicts and prisoners going to change the fact that the country is controlled by corporate interests? You did, after all, say, "the deepest problems of America."

I urge you to pass both my faith-based initiative and the Citizen Service Act to encourage acts of compassion that can transform America one heart and one soul at a time.

*AHEM*separationofchurchandstate*AHEM*

I propose a $450 million initiative to bring mentors to more than a million disadvantaged junior high students and children of prisoners.

Now that is what I call targeted spending. Honing in on junior high students and cons' kids! Just how on Earth did you arrive at this demographic for this kind of monumental spending? And don't they call it "middle school" now?

Another cause of hopelessness is addiction to drugs.

Funny. A lot of people I know turned to drugs as a result of feeling hopelessness and depression.

Addiction crowds out friendship, ambition, moral conviction, and reduces all the richness of life to a single destructive desire.

Yeah, George, I read Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting, too. I can recite that whole passage about a junkie's only care in the world being that of getting a score. But what about other drugs? Potheads and e-tards are probably the most social, friendly people I've ever met. Hallucinogen-abusers can be some of the most inspired folks around, seeing even more of the "richness of life" than you and I can. And how, exactly, can one be so hopeless when a cokehead became President of the United States? Oh, that must cover the "destructive desire" part. *AHEM*Iraq*AHEM*

As a government, we are fighting illegal drugs by cutting off supplies and reducing demand through anti-drug education programs.

Indeed. The anti-drug adverts are so great, they've inspired spoofs about SUVs that have received far more attention and critical acclaim. Well done!

Too many Americans in search of treatment cannot get it. So tonight I propose a new $600 million program to help an additional 300,000 Americans receive treatment over the next three years.

Excellent! You're going to start funding harm-reduction programs such as needle exchanges and Dancesafe. I'm impressed.

Our nation is blessed with recovery programs that do amazing work. One of them is found at the Healing Place Church in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. A man in the program said, "God does miracles in people's lives, and you never think it could be you." Tonight, let us bring to all Americans who struggle with drug addiction this message of hope: The miracle of recovery is possible, and it could be you.

Oh. Another "faith-based" initiative. I'm no longer impressed.

...I ask you to protect infants at the very hour of their birth and end the practice of partial-birth abortion.

Partial-birth abortion (D&X) is, in my opinion, a horrible, gruesome procedure. But it is sometimes necessary for various medical reasons. But you and I, Mr. President - as men - have no say so in the matter. Quit bringing your spiritual beliefs into the government. The Taliban has proven what a disaster that can be.

And because no human life should be started or ended as the object of an experiment, I ask you to set a high standard for humanity and pass a law against all human cloning.

That, I wholeheartedly agree with. The last thing the world needs is another me populating it. Or worse yet, George Bush III. We'd better call for a ban on monkey cloning as well.

The qualities of courage and compassion that we strive for in America also determine our conduct abroad... In Afghanistan, we helped to liberate an oppressed people, and we will continue helping them secure their country, rebuild their society and educate all their children, boys and girls.

That was a rousing success. As of the time of your speech, Osama bin Laden is still running wild, women are still forced to wear burqas, and the majority of Afghans are still illiterate and malnourished. I'd keep Central Asia out of the highlight reel for now, sir.

In the Middle East, we will continue to seek peace between a secure Israel and a democratic Palestine.

So we're going to stop giving the Israelis money and weapons? Because when someone sends money or weapons to Palestine, they're "supporting terrorism." I smell a double standard...

Today, on the continent of Africa, nearly 30 million people have the AIDS virus, including 3 million children under the age of 15.

Wow. It looks as though Bono's campaigning has been fruitful. What are you going to do about it?

...I ask the Congress to commit $15 billion over the next five years, including nearly $10 billion in new money, to turn the tide against AIDS in the most afflicted nations of Africa and the Caribbean. This nation can lead the world in sparing innocent people from a plague of nature.

That is truly awesome. But why do I get this nasty feeling that once Africa is healthy again, that your descendants will find a way to enslave the people as ended hardly more than 100 years ago? Naturally, chains and whips won't be used for the New Slavery™, but that entire continent sure seems to be a future site for inexpensive resources and labor...

And this nation is leading the world in confronting and defeating the man-made evil of international terrorism.

And causing it, too, by pissing everyone off! Hey, don't look at me that way. Do you think people target us because they're genuinely evil? Or because maybe, just maybe, we've ticked them off beyond reason? Violence breeds violence...

There are days when our fellow citizens do not hear news about the war on terror.

Translation: "I acknowledge the fact that we've dropped the whole Osama thing ever since I got my panties in a bunch over the guy who tried to kill my daddy."

The war goes on, and we are winning.

Travel restrictions. US citizens being locked up. A need for everyone to watch what they say. Boy, I sure feel like a winner!

To date we have arrested or otherwise dealt with many key commanders of Al Qaida. All told, more than 3,000 suspected terrorists have been arrested in many countries. And many others have met a different fate. Let's put it this way: They are no longer a problem to the United States and our friends and allies.

Ooh, that's some tough talk. I bet you feel like Dirty Harry now. You killed them! Sweet! Or did you secretly put them in a luxury prison like Manuel Noriega's? Now, being that your daddy was director of the CIA, you are probably aware that wiping out 3,000 terrorists doesn't necessarily stop anything, considering that the cell system dictates that every member can function independently, and yadda yadda yadda... Are you sure we're winning? Or do you just want your approval rating to go up a few points?

We're keeping them on the run. One by one the terrorists are learning the meaning of American justice.

a•me•ri•can jus•tice n. Where we say we're hunting you, but we go after some unrelated dictator instead, because he's brown, too. And he's got oil. Rich, syrupy, oil! Texas tea! Black gold!

As we fight this war, we will remember where it began: here, in our own country.

And thus, we will pre-emptively attack another country that had nothing to do with the attack on our soil!

This government is taking unprecedented measures to protect our people and defend our homeland.

Like issuing warnings to our citizens abroad, because we're about to do something that'll put them in harms way.

And this year, for the first time, we are beginning to field a defense to protect this nation against ballistic missiles.

If I may quote Primal Scream here... "Military indu$trial.. illu$ion of democracy..."

I ask you tonight to add to our future security with a major research and production effort to guard our people against bio-terrorism, called Project Bioshield.

That sounds like a video game. Cool! When's it coming to PlayStation 2?

The budget I send you will propose almost $6 billion to quickly make available effective vaccines and treatments against agents like anthrax, botulinum toxin, ebola and plague.

Did I already say, "Military indu$trial.. illu$ion of democracy?" Let's see: Anthrax - stopped by common antibiotics. (The Cipro thing was bullshit to make Bayer more money.) Botulinum toxin - also known as "Botox." Available at cosmetic surgeons' offices and poorly canned meats everywhere. What're they going to do? Unwrinkle our foreheads? Ebola - distant relative of Marburg virus. The CDC and even the military are shit-scared to handle this virus. You think Hassan down at the corner will attempt playing with this stuff with rubber gloves? Plague - ah, valid if only because it was the first known biological weapon used in history. Plague-infected bodies were catapulted over city walls to wipe out populations. In the 15th century. Pretty brilliant, huh? Nowadays, ou can get this from petting squirrels at Lake Tahoe. But I digress...

Since September the 11th, our intelligence and law enforcement agencies have worked more closely than ever to track and disrupt the terrorists.

("And watch what you, Mr. Citizen, are doing as well.")

In the ruins of two towers...

Nice! A Lord of the Rings reference. Good way to sway the geeks in the audience.

...we will not permit the triumph of violence in the affairs of men; free people will set the course of history.

Uh, so you're not waging war? Or do you propose some sort of Gandhi-inspired non-violent war? You're starting to confuse me, man.

Today, the gravest danger in the war on terror, the gravest danger facing America and the world, is outlaw regimes that seek and possess nuclear, chemical and biological weapons.

And for as long as we have weapons like that, these "rogue" nations will continue to seek such arms. Feel pretty smart backing out of the non-proliferation treaties, dontcha?

These regimes could use such weapons for blackmail, terror and mass murder.

Umm, I believe that's what those weapons were designed for. Oppenheimer didn't exactly invent the nuke so that it would paint the world with flowers. Our labs didn't design VX gas to cure asthma. They were designed to kill and maim and bring civilizations to their knees. The blackmail part, I don't know about. I think you mean extortion. Unless they have some hot pictures of you and Condoleezza that you don't want Laura to find out about. "Haro Dubya? Dis Kim Jong Il. I show Lala pictures of you wi' Condi if you don't give us mo' money. I say I push button, too!"

Throughout the 20th century, small groups of men seized control of great nations, built armies and arsenals, and set out to dominate the weak and intimidate the world.

Teddy Roosevelt comes to mind. Remember the Rough Riders? Carry a big stick? Parading our fleet around the world to show our might? Saddam's no Teddy R. And neither are you.

In each case, their ambitions of cruelty and murder had no limit. In each case, the ambitions of Hitlerism, militarism and communism were defeated by the will of free peoples.

Well, as long as we're using made-up words, I'm gonna rhyme using a Beastie Boys line and say "I'm the shiftagism." (Reference: Check Your Head, which you really must do.)

It is to achieve a result: the end of terrible threats to the civilized world.

Yeah, Iraq is such a big threat! They couldn't successfully invade tiny little Kuwait, even with our blessing. (Supposedly.) And even if they were such a big threat, wouldn't one of their numerous, closer neighbors be more worried? And considering half of their neighbors are nuclear-capable, couldn't they take care of Saddam if he starts to act on his lunacy? Of course not. We're the world's policemen. And oilfield stewards.

Yet the course of this nation does not depend on the decisions of others.

However, the course of other nations is totally and completely dependent on us!

In Iran we continue to see a government that represses its people, pursues weapons of mass destruction and supports terror.

Yeah, you have a handful of 80+ year-old clerics spewing anti-American crap that the population doesn't buy anymore. But if the region is invaded, they'll have more reason to believe these idiots. As for supporting terror, Iran has kicked out more suspected Al Qaida people than any other country in the region. As a non-Arab, Shiite country, they could care less what some crazy-ass Suni Arabs want to do. They do support terrorism in that they contribute to the Palestinian cause - just as the US supports it by contributing to Israeli interests. I recall a story about a pot and a kettle...

We also see Iranian citizens risking intimidation and death as they speak out for liberty and human rights and democracy. Iranians, like all people, have a right to choose their own government, and determine their own destiny, and the United States supports their aspirations to live in freedom.

So back the fuck off and let them, without interference, and you'll see much better results in the region. Labeling Iran as part of a so-called "axis of evil" doesn't endear you to the people, as much as they hate their government. American interests fucked Iran over and handed them a dictatorial king decades ago, and the Iranian penchant for overreaction resulted in the theocracy they have now. Before all they, they had a very popular, democratic government. The have reason not to trust us.

On the Korean Peninsula, an oppressive regime rules a people living in fear and starvation. ...And today the North Korean regime is using its nuclear program to incite fear and seek concessions.

And you continue to send them money. North Korea points nukes at us. We send aid to feed the starving people there. Iraq has some empty missile warheads, after we already kicked their ass to kingdom come. Yet we won't allow food and supplies through and try to starve them. What, is yellow somehow better than brown? If so, my Japanese-Iranian-American ass is feeling very conflicted.

A brutal dictator, with a history of reckless aggression, with ties to terrorism, with great potential wealth will not be permitted to dominate a vital region and threaten the United States.

Whom we supported, trained, and gave weapons to during his war with Iran. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

The United Nations concluded that Saddam Hussein had materials sufficient to produce more than 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin; enough to subject millions of people to death by respiratory failure.

Or keep half of Beverly Hills wrinkle-free for about 3 months.

He hasn't accounted for that material. He's given no evidence that he has destroyed it.

How do you think he looks so young at 66? It's all that freakin' Botox!

From three Iraqi defectors we know that Iraq, in the late 1990s, had several mobile biological weapons labs. These are designed to produce germ warfare agents and can be moved from place to a place to evade inspectors.

Hmmm.. The American public can buy a version of these mobile labs, only instead of biological weapons, they create chemical toxins. Their use contributes to global terrorism in an unmeasured yet theoretically large scale. In fact, anyone with $50,000 or so can purchase such a lab at their local Hummer dealershp. And keep an eye out for that tax break!

The British government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.

What did I say earlier about Africa being our future goldmine of resources? World domination, baby. That's what it's all about.

Intelligence sources indicate that Saddam Hussein has ordered that scientists who cooperate with U.N. inspectors in disarming Iraq will be killed, along with their families.

Now that's just silly on the Iraqi's part. Don't they know that they'll all be killed once we roll into town?

Year after year, Saddam Hussein has gone to elaborate lengths, spent enormous sums, taken great risks to build and keep weapons of mass destruction. But why? The only possible explanation, the only possible use he could have for those weapons, is to dominate, intimidate or attack.

Is that why we have weapons, too? Oh, wait, we use them to defend. Like next month, when we go to defend ourselves halfway around the world.

With nuclear arms or a full arsenal of chemical and biological weapons, Saddam Hussein could resume his ambitions of conquest in the Middle East and create deadly havoc in that region.

Considering most of his neighbors are already nuclear-capable, he'd be disintegrated if he tried such a thing. The reason no one interfered with his invasion of Kuwait was that no one gave a shit or felt threatened.

Evidence from intelligence sources, secret communications and statements by people now in custody reveal that Saddam Hussein aids and protects terrorists, including members of Al Qaida. Secretly, and without fingerprints, he could provide one of his hidden weapons to terrorists, or help them develop their own.

Quite obviously, it's not so secret a process, and there are fingerprints, otherwise you'd have no evidence. Or you're bullshitting. Drop the doublespeak and choose one.

Before September the 11th, many in the world believed that Saddam Hussein could be contained.

Once again, did Saddam attack the World Trade Center? Or was it some nutjob who's not even representative of any sovereign nation?

Imagine those 19 hijackers with other weapons and other plans, this time armed by Saddam Hussein.

Unfortunately, that's all you fuckwits could imagine - hence why they got away with what they did with boxcutters. Freakin' boxcutters, man.

It would take one vial, one canister, one crate slipped into this country to bring a day of horror like none we have ever known.

And just one person. Like a Timothy McVeigh. He was part of some terrorist network on the other side of the globe, you know.

Since when have terrorists and tyrants announced their intentions, politely putting us on notice before they strike?

Actually, they warn pretty regularly. Probably too regularly, so it's like crying wolf. We stop listening to the threats, filter them out as lunacy, and next thing you know... boom! That's the problem with your simple-minded approach of calling it "crazy" or "evil." Your refusal to deal with it through the proper channels only perpetuates the problem, costing more American lives and spreading paranoia.

If this is not evil, then evil has no meaning.

What did I just say about "evil?" Evil is a value judgement, not an empirical measurement. Such rhetoric will ultimately get us nowhere. As they say, judge not, lest ye be judged.

And tonight I have a message for the brave and oppressed people of Iraq: Your enemy is not surrounding your country, your enemy is ruling your country. And the day he and his regime are removed from power will be the day of your liberation.

They know that. We know that. But what they know and we don't care to admit is that at our encouragement (but without our military support) they tried to rise up against Saddam Hussein and were crushed terribly.

This nation fights reluctantly, because we know the cost, and we dread the days of mourning that always come.

Yeah, dude, you seem so reluctant. I can feel the conflict within you!

If war is forced upon us, we will fight in a just cause and by just means, sparing, in every way we can, the innocent.

Who's forcing war upon whom?

...The liberty we prize is not America's gift to the world; it is God's gift to humanity. We Americans have faith in ourselves, but not in ourselves alone. We do not claim to know all the ways of Providence, yet we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving god behind all of life and all of history. May he guide us now, and may God continue to bless the United States of America.

*AHEM*separationofchurchandstate*AHEM*

Omid is still being tracked by three government agencies for making even more silly pictures of Der Fuhr.. er.. President. Despite the atmosphere of paranoia and the slow disappearance of constitutionally guaranteed freedoms, he will continue to run his mouth until they throw him into a cell with no explanation of the charges. Then he'll really get mad.