ARCHIVED ARTICLE

January 22, 2002 - DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE


They were social pariahs from childhood. In grade school, while everyone else was playing tag or tetherball at recess, they went and found books on performing magic tricks. By the time middle school rolled around, they were content to spend their lunch break finishing their homework on the day it was assigned, rather than stand around their lockers and gossip. In high school, they slinked off during their free time to write poetry or other silliness. And now some of them are rocking the world.

But this isn't a story about the freaks and outcasts who are now supermodels or CEOs or rock stars. Jenny Jones does a fine job of covering the whole "In school I was fat, but now I'm all that" genre of "inspirational" turnaround stories. This is an account of those who, in adulthood, still spend their time in the confines of the library. (Note: This does not include the hard-working librarians and academic researchers of our nation.)

The Sunnyvale Public Library isn't some dusty old repository of worthless books and scratchy old microfilm. It's one of the models of efficient public spending. As one of the more modern suburban libraries, it was among the first to go to a computerized card catalog (some time in the 1980's). Less than two blocks away from a couple of major video outlets, the library puts up a little competition of its own with an extensive selection of videos (including new feature films), DVDs, and music CDs. A "New Books" area features brand new books each week, and the periodicals section boasts numerous titles, including the oft-questioned stocks of Playboy and National Lampoon.

Additionally, the public library boasts one of the largest populations of society's rejects. If they're smelly, poor, and just generally freakish, they've probably spent some quality time simply hanging out at the library.

The Ladies
The sexy and demure geek-girl hiding behind a facade of chunky glasses and plain clothing of Hollywood fantasy is just that - the usual Tinseltown B.S. The most attractive woman you'll see at the library probably charges for her "services" by the hour - and I'm not talking about the old housewife in the computer rental room. No, no, no - au contraire, I'm talking about The Whores! Unfortunately, they're never of "Heidi's Girl" quality. Rather, if you plan on getting your freak on after a trip to the book stacks, you should expect to find a late-middle aged woman with dirty blonde corn rows (or is her hair just filthy?), the boniest fingers you'll see on a living human being, and a conveniently missing tooth that seems to serve as a resting place for cigarettes.

If you prefer to do your bird-watching ethnic style, there's an abundance of pregnant Women in Saris (WiS) who seem to have some sort of disdain for birth control, what with the gaggle of loud, undisciplined, screaming larvae they bring with them to a "quiet" destination.

For those with a taste for hog, I highly recommend hanging out between the periodicals and the videos to scope the alluring 400-lb Bus Woman. It's often hard to tell if she's asleep or awake, as you don't know if she's snoring strangely or attempting to sing along with whatever she's listening to on her 1960's era headphones. Regardless, she's a serious looker, sporting her smell-it-from-a-mile-away B.O., clothes held together by safety pins, and sparkly monthly bus pass on a laniard. Just where she takes the bus to and from, I don't know.

The Gentlemen
And then there are the guys. I won't make fun of the old and decrepit, because there are lots of them, and t hey have nothing better to do than go to the library anyway. These crazy old folks have earned our respect by watching their buddies get blown to bits in wars, having to sit in the back of the bus or use separate bathrooms, or living without the Internet for years. We should give them the proverbial "big ups" simply for putting up with life before, well, now. But "rules are made to be broken," and a particular breed of library-dweller believes in that saying.

Take, for example, the Rude Bastard. He's the decidedly uncool lovechild of "Comic Book Guy" on the Simpsons and the bully at school. Rude Bastard shoves old people aside while browsing the magazine racks. Instead of lining up for check-out, he just walks up to the first open clerk. He fights with a little kid over who grabbed the Tom & Jerry's Greatest Chases DVD first. Seriously. And he has really freakin' foul breath.

Sometimes, however, I can't help but sympathize with Bastard's frustrations. Especially when running into Spacially-Challenged Browser. You'll often run into SCB at the store as well. SCB stands in front of the video shelves, not allowing others to browse what's on the shelf, even if it's terribly crowded. The lack of concept of "space" is also demonstrated by how he sits on the floor in an already narrow aisle of books, refusing to get out of the way for any pedestrians who might be looking in the same area. SCB also comes in a female variety, all of whom seem to be non-English speaking. (Either that or the words "excuse me" never seem to register with them.)

Finally, there's plain old Creep. Creep keeps quiet, until it's time to flirt with the women working check-out. He's very quiet as he peers over the top of his book to size up the ladies walking around the library. Creep's even more disturbingly quiet as he sits on one of the little chairs in the children's section. Something tells me it's not a nostalgia for childhood he's thinking about as his hand moves up and down in his trouser pockets... Fortunately, the latter of Creep's traits doesn't pop up as often as the former, but even once is too many.

The Realization
I go to the library on a fairly regular basis to get my fill of novels, non-fiction books, and movies free-of-charge. After all, I'm out of work, so I don't have much money to spend at Blockbuster or Barnes & Noble. They've got a good selection of materials, and I'm not too proud to say that I pick up my entertainment from the public library. Hey, our taxes paid for this stuff! In fact, I'll often go just for the sake of going. After hours of job-hunting early in the day, staying at home can be maddening.

The place is just over a mile away, but since I try to stay healthy (and since I don't have a car) I make an effort to walk there. Sometimes, when the weather is foul, I have to ask my mom a few times to borrow her car, and eventually she'll relent. (Living at home is such a drag, as the Beasties put it.) Since the library is a quick jaunt down the street I'll generally throw on some old duds or workout clothes or whatnot, that way I can get a bit of a workout on the trip, and I don't mind being all sweaty. On top of that, it's just the library, so I don't have to groom myself before going, unlike other outings.

As you can see, it's pretty beneficial for me to go to the library. Not only does it afford me the opportunity to broaden my mind, but it's cheap, convenient, and even healthy.

It's just too bad that, in order to do it, I have to put up with the poor, ugly, pathetic, shabbily dressed, smelly people of this fair city. People just like me.

Special thanks to the many Library Losers whom I've derided over the years. The have helped me learn who I really am.