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January 14, 2002 - DISCUSS THIS ARTICLE


If you're local to San Francisco, you've likely gone searching for a parking spot near a SoMa club, or perhaps walked a few blocks to catch a flick at the Metreon or ride the carousel at Yerba Buena Gardens. If you're from out of town, maybe you've attended a trade show at the Moscone Center. If so, you've probably wondered "What the hell is that big red bee doing, waving people into that fast food place on the corner?" Ok, maybe not, but I know I have. My friends and I have often wondered what on Earth Jollibee was and were always curious to find out. Call it morbid curiosity. You'd think I would have learned a little something after reading Fast Food Nation.

Last week, after picking up a Macworld badge and taking an initial look at the wares on display at Moscone, hunger pangs led our Mac-lovin' party of two to hit the oft-wondered-about fast food joint. It was not only directly adjacent to the expo hall (how often do you find quick eats anywhere near a convention center???) but the line looked relatively short and the menu prices were encouraging. Besides, the mascot is so damned cute, how could anyone resist such a friendly place? Judging by the aesthetic and the funny name, we'd always assumed it was one of those gems of a Midwest joint that was trying its hand at the brutally competitive world of West Coast fine dining. After studying the menu for a few minutes in line, we realized it was a Filipino place with a bunch of humorously named American items. (Take, for example, the Chicken Joy fried chicken items. Get it? chick-enjoy? Har har har.)

Although I usually have a taste for the adventurous, I decided to opt out of the Filipino foods, knowing that while they're usually deeeelicious, they're also soaking in some sort of grease. Perhaps that was the first mistake. In addition to a couple of pies, Vince got the pineapple-endowed Aloha Burger combination, and with my limp fries and giant lemonade, I got something I don't quite recognize or remember. Maybe it was a hamburger. Maybe it wasn't. I think it had a bun and it definitely had entirely too much mayonnaise. At least, that's what I suspect it was, but I didn't bring my portable food-testing lab with me. I didn't ask for my combo to be super-sized (which is what I was charged for and received), yet at the same time I'm rather glad that's what I got. At least two of the items on my tray were recognizable and enough to fill me up for those grueling rounds of the show floor.

If you haven't guessed already, what fueled us through the show in record time wasn't all the tasty calories we'd picked up at the Bee, but rather the queasy feeling in our stomachs. It's not a good sign when the pictures on the menu don't look all that good. It's a worse sign when you're famished and can't finish a simple fast food combo, but what can you say when 30 minutes later, two people eating at the same place start wishing they'd carried Pepto with them? Fortunately, nobody got sick and nobody did the 100-yard dash to the "facilities," so I don't need to go so far as to call the food rancid. Let's just call it nasty.

To their credit, they've done a remarkable job of making their hamburger patties look, smell and taste just like McDonald's scientifically derived meat-slabs. But that's not necessarily a good thing. However, there was one highly enjoyable item on the menu. In their desire to be the Pinoy McDonald's, they have a couple of varieties of pie - I opted for the "Banana Langka Pie." I don't know what a langka is, and I don't have a Tagalog dictionary, but damn, it tasted good! The key lies in the preparation of this pie - it's fried. Just like the old-school Mickey-D's ones before they started baking them into bland bricks. At a buck-thirty-nine, these little things aren't cheap. But if I ever have any reason to walk into the Jollibee again, it's for one of these pies. Thinking back, I should've just ordered a few of those and my big-ass lemonade and I probably would've loved my experience there.

So unless you're into fried pies or stomach aches, take this advice: Keep on driving past the Jollibee. In addition to this SoMa location, they've set up shop in Daly City, Torrance, and several other townships in Northern and Southern California. Consider yourself warned.

At irregular intervals, tavallai.com will publish "Un-plugged," the anti-endorsement from bitter domain owner Omid Tavallai. The thoughts contained are -opinions- of the author and should not be construed as slander or libelous toward the parties involved.